On Want

I was taking a walk and orating to myself. I was trying to work out the nature of want. I decided for the purposes of the argument that there were two kinds of want: the first, a want that immediately and consistently creates a feeling of unpleasantness; incompleteness inside; the second, a kind of want that carries no negative feelings with it.

The fist kind of want, which, I decided was by far the more common form, and along with the feeling of unpleasantness, is characterized by a sort of clinging to the reality that the person wanting wishes to bring about. The person wanting creates a feeling of incompleteness within himself, that he maintains can only be remedied by the acquisition of the goal in question. This is a sort of emotional ransom.

The second kind of want is a kind of “natural wanting”. Instead of clinging to desire and “digging a hole” inside, the person when faced with a desire, does not hold on to it. Instead he observers it impassively, lets it “do its thing” and disappear into from whence it came.

I am using the basis of Buddhism as the foundation for my argument. Here are the four noble truths of the Buddhist tradition, condensed for brevity:

I (The noble truth of suffering): Life, aging, illness, union with the displeasing, separation from the displeasing, and to not get what one wants are suffering.

II: (The noble truth of the origin of suffering): Craving for sensual pleasures, existence and extermination lead to continued existence (and thus suffering).

III (The noble truth of the cessation of suffering): The relinquishment of craving, [leads to] freedom from it, non-attachment..

VI (The noble truth of the way leading to the cessation of suffering): The noble eight-fold path: right view; right intention; right speech; right action; right livelihood ; right effort; right mindfulness; right concentration.

I have been aware of the noble truths for perhaps fourteen years, and even took them as truth by turns, but am only beginning to really understand them now,. What prompted this insight was, actually a sort of abandoning of what I thought was the conventional Buddhist view or Buddhism.

I thought that I should reject all desire. I couldn’t for two reasons: because I kept falling into temptation, and because it wasn’t at all satisfying. It was in this spirit that I decided to try an alternative.

The alternative was inspired by the so called “law of attraction”, which is the basis for a cheesy new-age movie called “The Secret”. The law of attraction, as I understand it, is something like: you get what you project; that whatever thoughts and feelings you are having are going to manifest in the outer world. Some of the cast of “The Secret” went so far as to say that “you get want you want, every time.” The caveat being, that when the universe is doing its thing, and working out your desires and getting them ready to manifest, if you become angry, impatient, or otherwise upset because you haven’t gotten what you want yet, then it will spoil the wish before if comes to fruition.

After watching “The Secret” and a far better researched movie (called “What the *^#&$ Do We Know?), which featured a slew of doctors in various fields (with an emphasis on quantum physics), I decided that I would shelve my skepticism and see if it really works. I used the techniques proscribed in the film, and some of my own, and it worked.

The problem was that doing all of the wanting required to bring about the desired effect, sometimes became tiresome. It seemed like too much effort for too small a reward. The technique implied that the suffering was necessarily a part of desire—this is what I got out of the part about not complaining if the desire did not initially materialize. And I did find it incredibly empowering, but, again, it took an incredible amount to effort to stay focused, without an immediate materialization.

Then the amount of effort required began to mount to the point where I felt unhappy trying to maintain it and I began to ask myself: is this what I really want? And the effort to maintain is it was getting to the point that I was getting bored of it.

Around this time I was having trouble keeping my classes in line. And frustrated with my immediate lack of satisfaction, I decided that however my kids decided to behave that I would have fun and not get angry. Many students acted out, and I had to deal with a lot of problems, but I did it in a creative manner, without getting angry. I ended up having a great day, and I realized that what I really wanted was to be happy, and by constantly testing me, my students gave me a great opportunity to stay focused on THAT desire, despite constant challenges.

The next day, I went on a long walk, and as I mentioned before, began orating to myself about the nature of desire. I decided that the negative “clinging” type of desire could be channeling the law of attraction in disastrous ways—in the mother of tragic ironies, perpetuating the lack of what I really want by clinging to the objects of my desire. The result would be that the more I clung to my desires, the less chance they would have of manifesting. I decided, instead, to stick to the non-clinging type of desire, and found that it was immediately and profoundly gratifying.

Later, I decided there was a third kind to desire—where the clinging was replaced by a sort of optimistic wanting—the kind that requires so much focus and effort. But this is a kind of half way between the clinging, and the non-clinging type of wanting. It may bring about the desired effect, but it’s leaving something out. I’ve learned it’s not as gratifying as the non-clinging type of wanting—which by conventional standards isn’t really wanting at all.

I’ve decided that what’s most important is enjoying the present moment, and since the only thing required for that is the absence of conventional want, then I have unlimited access to it.

Actually, the non clinging kind of want is turning out to be dynamic and fascinating. Instead of deciding what I want and going from there, I’m listening to the natural current of desire. I am following it, and letting it direct my course. It is intensely gratifying, and is giving me powerful insight into the who I am. But the most exciting thing is, what if the law of attraction manifests for this kind of desire as it does with the other kinds? Does it mean unlimited abundance?

I expect—no I’m certain it will. But how exactly will it manifest? And what are the greater implications? As it is, I think I discovered a kind of perpetual ego-killing machine. The more I give up what I think are my desires, and follow what are beginning to look like my ACTUAL desires, the more the ego shrinks. As I follow the desires, the “I” itself becomes weaker.—it becomes the servant to something at once internal AND external.

I feel like I am learning how to work with the universe—to become it’s servant and beneficiary at the same time. I feel like I am working in co-operation with the universe, instead of just asking stuff from it without contributing anything of my own.

Note: this was written last November