Discarding Guilt

I've been hesitant to write in this  blog for a while now, because the last time or two that I did write something, I ended up deciding that it was forced and trite and that I didn't have any real inspiration. However, for about a week now I've been thinking about the topic of guilt and specifically how it can lead us to behave with a sort of false honor, and I think it's worth a post. 

Recently, I've been asking myself the question, why do I feel bad so often? I know, I know, this seems like hyperbole. Everyone asks that from time to time, so what? The so what is that more and more, I've been coming to realize that I have the power to feel good. Just to feel good for no reason.

It's usually when I don't have anything to do: when I am waiting for someone or something. There's that voice in the head that says, "Hey, you're waiting for someone. What shit! Doesn't this person know that I have better things to do? Etc." Actually, that voice has been want to crop up for such a long time, that I don't remember when it began! Anyway, I've gradually come to realize that I can just sort of ignore it and when that happens and just feel good. Especially if I am sitting in a chair. Not reading anything, looking at my phone, or twiddling my thumbs--just sitting.

So, because I've been having these isolated incidents of just being content doing nothing, I've been asking myself why I'm not happy at other times. After a bit of self inquiry, I decided that there is a very definite answer: guilt. Okay, perhaps this is going to take some breaking down, but stay with me, I think I'm on to something significant here.

At any moment we have the power to feel good. And here's the secret: you don't have to do anything. You don't have to eat a sandwich or have an orgasm or focus on your breath or anything. It just sort of happens. It's just there. The only trouble is, that we're usually so damn distracted by other shit, that we rarely take a minute to just sit and enjoy that nice feeling.

We are haunted by our own feelings of guilt and they drive us away from that natural peace. The voice inside that says, I should have a nice car and and i-phone and a better job and I should be married by now, etc. But what drives this mental monologue? When we realize that hey, I can just sit and be happy,  why do these thoughts persist? If the happiness we thought we stood to gain by having this thing or that thing is actually at our fingertips, and not contingent on a never ending array of things, why do we continue to persist in the wanting of this luxury item, or that title, or that bit of attention?

Here's my big insight: we live in societies that look down on failure (to get this and achieve that), but forgive it, to some degree, as long as we are good enough to at least feel guilty over having failed. We internalize this attitude and subject ourselves to it. So, if  we discover that buried way deep down we don't actually care that much about having a big party on our birthdays or getting a PHD, we still have to get over this feeling of obligation to appease the expectations for ourselves that society has pressured us into.

When we realize that what think we want for ourselves is not in line with what we actually want, it offers us the chance to take lives into our own hands. We think that we are being "good" boys and girls by allowing ourselves to feel shame on behalf of the expectations of others, because at least then, we entertain a shot at redemption. But if we remember that we can be genuinely happy with nothing, then this impetus to feel guilty very quickly falls away. Then we realize that, hey, we've been deciding to feel guilty all of that time and that the guilt didn't really come from an external source, anyway and we've been the ones hurting ourselves the whole time.

We sometimes think that we have somehow been acting honorable by punishing ourselves when we don't meet society's standards, but to really grow up is to take ownership of our own emotional space, and decide what our own standards are. And if we don't have any standards, and want to just feel happy for the sake of it,that's also our own decision.

If you only allow yourself an amount of happiness based on a comparison of yourself against other people, and how happy they appear, there is a good chance that you're going to be miserable! Better to make up your own mind. You might never fulfill your criteria for deserving happiness. So better change your criteria. It's easy, it doesn't cost anything, and it takes no time at all. What have you got to lose?

Ultimately it's not society that is making these demands on us anyway--it come down to our own egos. When we hold these ideas in out minds, we're creating and sustaining the expectations of society. So say no to that voice that asks for your guilt, because even if you somehow get everything you want, it will always ask for more.